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December 14, 2005
Liquid Diet
I recently bought tickets to go visit my parents for Christmas. I know it's supposed to be a joyous happy time for everyone, but I have a bad feeling about the trip. That bad feeling has nothing to do with the flight, even though the last time I heard about a flight from Baltimore to Chicago it was because the plane skidded off the runway and killed some boy riding past the airport in a car.
No. The passengers were safe. So, it's not that.
It has more to do with that fact that last time I was at my parent's house for Christmas my dad pulled a shotgun on my sister's boyfriend.
And that's before the drama started at their house.
These days my mom is calling me up threatening to move next door to me. "Maybe I could just move into the house next door to you for a while." she says.
Meanwhile, my dad goes on and on about his waist size. "Remember those jeans I bought for you?"
"What jeans?"
"The ones I bought for you."
"What? When?"
"When you were a kid."
"No."
"You don't remember them? The Levi's? 501s with the button fly?"
"Ooohhh. Yeah. I remember them."
"You do?"
"Yeah, sure. They were blue?"
"Those are the ones."
"What about them, dad?"
"What size were they?"
Jesus, Christ "Ummm. Dad. I don't even remember the jeans you're talkign about."
"The blue ones witht he button fly."
Holy shit "Dad, are you drinking again?"
"The dog and I walked down to the liquor store for a second bottle today. She like it becase needed a walk. ... I wore your jeans down there."
"Great. But Are you sure they're mine? I haven't lived there for years."
"These are the ones I bought you. How 'bout that? Your old man fits in your jeans. I'm down to a size 31."
"Wow. You're losing a lot weight."
"I'm on the liquid diet."
"You mean wine?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 14, 2005 08:48 PM
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