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December 07, 2005
Drinking on the Job
Today I had my last class before finals start. Trying to kill two birds with one stone I handed my students each a can of red bull as they left class. (The birds: 1-being a nice guy 2-boosting my rating on ratemyprofessors.com) Today, as usual, a couple students stayed behind to ask a few questions.
The questions are usually something like, "How do I do this...?", "What if I can't get the homework done on time?", etc. Today the question was, "You wanna see who can shotgun this faster? I bet I can shotgun it faster than you."
"Shotgun it?"
"Yeah, that's where you punch a hole in the can and ..."
"I know what shotgunning is. Trust me. Why shotgun it though?"
"It let's the air in so the stuff comes out faster."
"Yeah. Like I said, I know what shotgunning is. Why not just slam it. It spray everywhere then -- and I'll still beat you."
Whether I won or lost is not the point -- we tied. The point is, after an oversized mug of coffee made by some palsied co-worker of mine that poured about half a can of Chock Full o' Nuts into the coffee maker, slamming a can of red bull was the last thing I needed.
Within minutes I was all jittery. Like the first time I was pulled over for speeding. Like the time I smuggled foreign meat into the country when I was 11. Or, I guess, technically, like the time I took a handful of caffeine pills to "help" me study for a test in high school.
At least it wasn't like the time I had my first cigarette.
I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the window, in the room I shared with my brother, was wideopen. I got out of bed and looked out the window. I saw my brother sitting on the porch roof that lay just outside the window. He was leaning back against the house smoking a cigarette.
"What are you doing?" I asked knowing full well that he was smoking.
"Nothing. Mind your own business."
"You're smoking. I'm telling mom and dad." It was back in the day when I finding out that someone else was doing something wrong warranted a call to mom and dad.
"Wimp." It was also the day when wimp was possibly the worst thing we could think not only to call someone, but to be called. "It's no big deal. You're such a tattler."
"You're not supposed to, though -- mom and dad said."
"So what? Grandpa smokes. These are the same he smokes." It was some filterless cigarette. "Try one. It's cool."
"We're not supposed to." I was innocent once.
"Come on, chicken."
With that I climbed out the window and lit up my first cigarette. It was no big deal at first. I couldn't even bring myself to inhale. I didn't know I wasn't, I just wasn't.
But then I did. I felt a strange sensation in my throat. A tingling that went into my lungs. Then I started getting dizzy. I thought I was going to fall over even though I was already sitting.
Being afraid of falling over while sitting doesn't seem too bad, but when you're up on the roof of your house things look different. I plastered myself up against the side of the house to keep myself from falling.
"What's wrong? You're turning green."
"I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Go over the side."
"I can't; I'll fall."
"Wimp."
"I'm really dizzy."
"So, go to the bathroom."
"I can't move."
My brother figured something really was amiss and helped me slide to the window. I fell backwards through the window and promptly puked on the floor.
Falling down and vomitting on the spot would certainly cost me more 'cred than tying in a drinking contest.
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 7, 2005 09:08 PM
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Comments
I had a professor once that gave out the synthesis strategy, minus one step, for LSD, TNT and other interesting compounds. Now, that was cool.
What do you teach?
Posted by: tfg at December 7, 2005 10:25 PM
I can't believe I didn't know what "shotgunning" was. I just thought it meant "chugging."
Huh. I learned something today. Well done, prof. :)
Posted by: dee at December 8, 2005 12:04 AM
I totally don't remember that. By the way I never smoked until I was in High school, Those smokes were from Hungary so it had to be the summer before your senior year in high school...WIMP!
Posted by: Nick at December 8, 2005 11:34 AM
I don't teach anything cool like bomb-making, just computer science. And, umm, I guess, shotgunning.
As for you, Nick. You totally don't remember it, but remember where the cigarettes came from?
And it wasn't the year before my senior year in high school. It was like the year before my freshman year in high school -- or maybe the year before. I was 11 or 12, bitch.
Posted by: brian at December 8, 2005 12:33 PM