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October 12, 2005
Removing the Doors
My tenants still haven't moved out.
They begged me to let them stay until the 15th of October, and I acquiesced. I'm a push-over. I know this. They haven't paid rent in months and I keep letting it slide. I must be a tenant's dream. A landlord that never makes his tenant pay.
But I couldn't legally kick them out until 60 days after I gave them notice.
When day sixty was nearing I went to the courthouse to get the forms I needed.
I actually could have kicked them out for two reasons 1) failure to pay rent, and 2) holding over, or staying in the house after I told them to get the hell out.
The problem is, on the forms I'm required to enter my lead-free certification number.
I ain't got one.
And I'm sure that the lead paint scattered around the house isn't my only legal infraction.
So I can't legally kick them out because I'm illegally renting the house to them. That's just great. Especially since they were renting the house when I bought it at the slumlord convention.
Really, I should have known it was too good to be true.
I saw that my neighbor's house was up for auction. There was a huge sign duct taped to the front of the house advertising the time and date, and the web site for more information.
I went to the web site and saw that they were auctioning off over a dozen houses around highlandtown, my neighborhood, that day. So I took the day off work and went to a couple of the earlier auctions; my neighbor's house was the last one on the block.
During the day I saw a bunch of different slum lords trading tips on how to bilk their tenants out of more and more of the little cash they have.
"Windows? You get new windows? I never get new windows unless I have to."
"What if the window's broken when they're moving in?"
"Pin it on them. You're 'letting them move in early, so they'll have to fix it.' Or some shit like that."
"Don't dry-wall it. There's this tape -- comes in big sheets -- use that. Take it out of their security deposit if they bust through that and want it fixed."
I got a little sick of the depravity and left for a while, but I decided to go to the second to last auction just down the street, so I'd know for sure when the fleet of BMWs would arrive at my neighbor's house.
I went inside that house, just for a look inside. I was inhabited, but covered with cob webs. It stunk like cat piss. the yard was covered with overgrown with small trees and filled with trash. I had to pass the couple that lived there to get to the back door. They cowered in the kitchen as the parade of prospective owners went through their pitful little row house.
The skeletal little man sleeping on a cot upstairs didn't seem to mind. In fact, he didn't stir. I actually thought he might have been dead -- he looked almost like a high school science skeleton dressed in clothes, except those skeletons don't have liver spots -- until I saw him hobbling around on his cane as the slumlords gathered outside to begin bidding on his house.
That's when I noticed the fleas. I giggled at first when I noticed some of the slumlords scratching and slapping of the fleas. I chuckled to myself as they announced they had fleas and I examined myself finding none.
Then I started to itch.
Then I saw the fleas. Hundreds of them. They covered my legs. When I tried to slap them away they crawled up onto my arms. I tried to keep my cool and flail like hell at the same time.
I decided if I drove around on my motorcycle the wind might blow them off.
but I couldn't drive that fast and scratch at the same time. Besides I had to be back to bid on my neighbor's house. And I had to be there early. I wasn't going to bid over $25,000.
And even though I was the top bidder I didn't bid over $25,000.
So I became a slum lord.
I tried to be better than a slum lord, but I didn't get a lot of help from my tenants.
So come the 15th I'm resorting to a trick I picked up at the convention.
I'm taking the doors off the hinges.
Posted by calculatoronfire at October 12, 2005 01:53 PM
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Comments
that is f*cking awesome. The neighborhood will be upset with you though.
Posted by: nick at October 12, 2005 02:46 PM
omg, that is hilarious.
Can you get a lead free certificate? If so, then you wouldn't have to worry about the papers anymore. Maybe you'll get lucky and there won't be any lead paint in the house.
Or maybe they've been eating the paint, hence the reason they're such a pain in the ass.
Posted by: Freak Magnet at October 12, 2005 08:00 PM
here in madison all you have to do is sign a paper that says you are not aware of any lead paint. My rental is 75 years old. I assume there is lead paint there but until it is tested...which will never happen hence I am not AWARE that there is any lead paint there.
I would be willing to bet that it is similar in B-more. With all the slum lords and what not.
Posted by: Nick at October 13, 2005 06:24 PM