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August 21, 2005
Crime Prevention
Yesterday I was taking my dogs for a walk and we ended up on the other side of the block. The boarded up side.
For a short while there were only two boarded up houses on that side of the block, but after one - the one that had previously been partially gutted by flames - caught on fire again the number of boarded up houses increased by one. It seems the fire decided there wasn't enough to burn the house it had done in already and it moved over to the neighboring house. I'm not sure exactly the next two houses were added to the boarded up list, but now five of the seven houses on the other side of the block are boarded up.
I noticed that yesterday while walking with my dogs. I noticed it at the same time I saw the eight foot penis spray-painted on the plywood covering the door of one of the houses.
I should say penis and testicles actually. For there was a well crafted pair of testicles at the bottom. Complete with a polka-dotted scrotum. This fact - the testicles - is not one that should be overlooked. Without them the inscription underneath would make even less sense.
Without an oversized polka-dotted scrotum I, for one, wouldn't have been able to figure out exactly what "Now who lyke ball" meant.
The artist went back last night to add his name. He must have either been too hurried or too absent minded to have put it up when he made his masterpiece.
Even without the signature I had a very good idea who did it. There are about 4 or five boys in their early teens in the neighborhood. The thriteen or fourteen year old kids have recently taken to sitting on the stoop outside of the neighborhood bar asking people to carry out for them. that when they're not smashing windows on local factories.
I've caught them one too many times smashing windows and lights in the new location for the Loading Dock. When they see me they run over to the fields where much of Baltimore dumps their trash. There the boys smash till their hearts are content and nobody minds. The recently dropped off upright piano is now in thousands of pieces and no one seems to mind. The once only cracked aquariums reduced to a pile of glass and no one seems bothered in the least.
Not like when I caught them throwing rocks over the fence at my dogs.
That's where I drew the line and decided I had to take action. I thought long and hard about it. What could I do to get a handful of teenage boys to stop smashing everything? What could I do to get them started on something harmless?
Then it came to me, I'll get them hooked. Then they'll be too busy at home. Too sated to get out to smash any windows.
So the next day I dropped off a few pornos in the field where they have a little fort.
The window breaking was happening at a much slower rate, but was still happening. So I dropped off a few more.
After three or four deliveries I realized I hadn't seen any (new) broken glass in quite some time. I figured after one more delivery I'd be able to call my job done. So I grabbed a couple porno magazines I drunkenly wandered home from a party with and threw them into the kids fort - a couple old chairs, the seat out of an old van, some well stained carpeting and a few scraps of an old picket fence.
The next day when I went back, to check whether they made the pick up I noticed they'd become quite choosy young men. Most of the stack was still there. Only the Hustlers where gone.
I think I got them hooked.
Posted by calculatoronfire at August 21, 2005 10:15 AM
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Comments
oh my god. you're kidding. :)
Posted by: d2ana at August 21, 2005 11:12 AM
So they passed up on Swank and Jugs?
Posted by: anonymouscoworker at August 22, 2005 10:26 AM
you are going to be the creepiest old man.
are you still coming over on thursday?
Posted by: j-e-s-s-i-c-a at August 22, 2005 03:41 PM
No, no. Swank. Juggs. They stay home with me.
Yes. I am on track to be the creepiest old man ever.
I'll be there Thursday, But beware I have much of the game memorized.
Yeah. Whatever game.
Posted by: brian at August 22, 2005 06:13 PM
That's arfing brilliant! Let's hope you don't get caught and arrested.
Posted by: molly at August 22, 2005 08:51 PM