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July 05, 2005
That Old Party Joke Pt 2 (final)
After my friend Marty's suggestion I ran straight out the front door and jumped into the back of my truck. It was dark and I could barely see, but thankfully I was drunk enough to keep the cold from bothering me too much as I felt blindly around in the freezing freezing boxes.
It didn't take me too long to find the sausages, but in order not to lose any time, and thus the mood, I hurriedly stuffed the sausage through my fly as I ran up to the doorway back to the party. The sausage was almost frozen - still pliable, but plenty cold against my crotch. My thigh. My calf.
When I felt it dragging on the ground I stuck my hand back in my pants and moved things around. I wanted one side shorter than the other so I could pull it out without too much struggling. Satisfied my sausage was long enough I burst through the door.
I went to the kitchen first, and obvious first stop for sausage/pants related sexual innuendo. After a few laughs I went on to the den where the only two females were talking about hair salons.
Should I just burst in? That might make me seem like a pervert. Funny that I didn't think pulling sausage from my pants alone could get me confused with such characters, but that's what I thought. Yeah. I should just work it into conversation.
Their conversation went on and on about hair salons. Bangs. I think there was talk of bangs too. I know all advances from the men in the room were ignored and rebuffed. They were in some sort of zone. Perhaps to block out the perverts.
"I was thinking of going there."
"What?"
"You said that place on Lincoln, right?"
"Yeah. My friend works there."
Sweet. I'm in! "I always pass that place. I hear some good things too."
"Oh, yeah. It's great."
I've got to ease the conversation over to something sausage related "That's by that new Supermarket, right?"
"I don't think so."
Food. Good start.
The talk went on until I could take it no longer. I pulled out the sausage. I left it hanging at first. Just a little suggestion that there was plenty more underneath. But nobody took the bait.
I left the two girls and started talking to the guys sitting on the couch behind them. They were right about eye level with my sausage. "What the hell, dude! Put that shit back in your pants."
Finally. "What? It's just my sausage."
This got everyone's attention. I reeled out more and more sausage.
I chased a few people around.
I blacked out.
I woke up sleeping in the basement curled up with a huge length of sausage and a few people standing over me.
"No. He can't stay here."
"C'mon man. It's just a little sausage."
"No fuckin' way. He's not staying in my house. Fuckin' party's over and he's got to go."
"Alright. I'll got." I said. "Marty can I stay at your place?"
"I don't have any place for your dogs."
"Oh. Yeah. I forgot."
"That was some good shit with the sausage though."
"What? Oh, yeah."
"I didn't know it was that long."
"Yeah. My dad. He had me bring a bunch of these."
"You still giving it to him?"
"Yeah. I've got to. He paid me for them already."
"No way. That's fucking gross."
"Well, what am I gonna do? Tell him "I'm one sausage short cuz I got fucked up last night and stuffed it down my pants. Sorry, Dad."
I grabbed my sausage and went outside into the cold to my truck. I hopped in back and stuffed the sausage into the box I got it from earlier that night. I opened up the cage where the dogs rode and went to the garage to get them. In the dark, tired and hung over as I was I marched them into the back of the truck and tried to herd them into the cage, but one of them caught a whiff of the sausage and made a dash for the box.
I grabbed her, but it was too late. She already had her head in the box and was trying her best to get the sausage down her throat without swallowing. After some struggling I ripped it out of her mouth and stuffed it back into the box.
I secured both dogs in the cage and went back to the sausage. Shit. Which one did she eat. I hope it wasn't the oen down my pants. But I couldn't tell, and although I had a good deal of fun with a sausage down my pants I was in no mood to rummage through a box of sausage just as the sun was coming up. I was tired, and a bit hung-over. It was dark. And itw as a box of sausage, for Christ's sake.
So I drove home. The only part she had in her mouth stayed there. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. He's going to cook them, right? These thoughts and more went through my head on the hour and a half drive to my parents' house.
I got to my parents' house just as they were waking up. I made sure to unload the sausage before the dogs, to avoid any further incidents, and went inside.
"Brian. It's so nice to see you. Are you hungry?" My mom asked.
"Did dyou bring the sausage? We can eat that for breakfast."
"Yeah, Dad. I have it. But I just want to go to sleep."
"You just got here."
"I know I've been driving all night."
"No you haven't You called before you left. It isn't that far. Have some breakfast."
I was too tired to resist. They herded me into the kitchen. "Where are the sausages. I can't wait to try them."
I sat and watched as my dad grabbed the sausage. His first pick a lucky one. "Why is the end of this one all fucked up?"
"I don't know."
"Yuck. There's a fucking dog hair on here."
"Oh. Yeah. My dog stuck her head in the box. She might have eaten part of one." It was probably the same one I had down my pants earlier. I neglected to add.
"Oh. Ok. We'll just give that one to your grandpa then. He'll never notice. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
Posted by calculatoronfire at July 5, 2005 07:16 PM
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