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June 07, 2005
Fishing
This weekend Emma and I gathered up a few things and headed to her dad's house in southern Maryland. The plan a few days before was for a mix of water skiing and fishing in the Potomac, but after staggering out of bed hung over from celebrating Emma's birthday the night before, the plan was changed to include only fishing.
We should have seen it coming. When I told her I wanted to take her out to dinner and asked what she wanted her reply was simply, "wine." So we went out for wine and some incredibly small plates of food. After that we went out for some beer and whiskey. After that more beer and more whiskey.
We got into the boat and Emma's dad announced, "I talked to an expert and he
told me where to go to really get the fish. we're going to get some big ones today."
The "expert," however, turned out to be something short of and expert. At least in my book. Cast after cast came back without so much as a nibble. Things went on that way until we were heading back. I got a bite on my line and reeled in a fish. I got it to the boat and lifted it halfway out of the water.
The fish turned out to be too small to keep. So small, in fact the hook didn't even fit entirely in its mouth and it was easily able to jump right off when he saw my big land-lover hand reaching for it.
Later after catching nothing but seaweed and logs at the bottom of the river I reeled in a real fighter. I've never had a six inch long fish put up such a fight. Out of respect for its fighting ability and its diminutive size it was immediately thrown back.
But the image of that fish still haunts me. Its wide gaping mouth confused and gasing for air. -- I dated a girl like that.
She was a bit older than me, somewhere in her mid thirties at the time, so it surprised me entirely when she kissed like it was her first time. She just opened her mouth as wide as it would go and left it agape. I didn't know what to do with the thing, but I tried to adapt. I think I did pretty well until the end, when I got tired of dealing with the wide-open mouth. I quit and drew back. Then she would snap her mouth shut.
I thought it was both frustrating and hilarious the first time, but I tried to overlook it. As it became more and more apparent to me that I didn't want to date her any longer I had more and more fun with it, trying to see how long she would stand there straining to keep her mouth wide open.
Still, it wasn't until after she made fun of a prudish friend of her's that I openly laughed. "We had to teach her how to french kiss. She didn't even know."
"Really? You taught her how to kiss? She must have been bad."
"She didn't even know to open her mouth at first. Then after we told her she had to she would just open it."
"You mean just leave it hanging open?"
"What do you mean?"
It was then that things changed. I first felt a tinge of guilt, even though I hadn't meant to say that she just left her mouth hanging open. Then I thought about her making fun of the way her friend kissed and I realized it was ok. I started telling friends. Co-workers.
Then I broke up with her.
My intent was to break up on good terms. I must have over done it on the good terms part because she still asked me to go to her friend's wedding with her.
"No."
"Please."
"No. I don't feel comfortable doing that. We just broke up."
"I know, but you're the only person I can ask and I need to bring someone."
After some more begging I acquiesced. "Fine. I'll go. As your friend."
I don't know what I was thinking. The whole time she asked me to hold her hand, "just for appearances" and to kiss her.
"No. No way. Not part of the deal."
"Come on. Give me a kiss."
"No."
When we were alone for a second she ran at me and gave sort of a flying tackle. She pinned me up against the wall and opened her mouth wide. Wide like she was yawning or like she was going to scream. Instead of doing either she pressed the thing against my face, surrounding my mouth.
The laughing was muffled at first, but when she pulled back sheepishly and looking somewhat stunned it was definitely audible.
She didn't ask me for a kiss again after that.
Posted by calculatoronfire at June 7, 2005 07:42 PM
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Comments
they should have a class on kissing in school...
Posted by: carl at June 8, 2005 02:51 PM
Have you ever considered contacting this 35 year old and telling her that french kissing is not a technique modeled after a gaping ASS? Also does blogtimore reference your sate of mind or is stictly geographical in nature?
Keep up the good work........ Your efforts are certainly endowed with good humor!
Posted by: at June 8, 2005 07:02 PM
Carl,
This girl probably would have sat in kissing class making fun of people that moved their lips.
,
I'm not familiar with gaping asses. I really only saw one in the first issue of Rocco. I gave that one away to my neighbor. In highlandtown, baltimore.
I'm not sure where Blogtimore is. Is it near Chattanooga?
Posted by: brian at June 9, 2005 06:43 PM
This blog is a little old, but I was searching for someone with a similar experience. The wide open mouth kisser. She is Chinese, 31 yrs old. I thought this style was maybe an ethnic or cultural thing. I didn't know what to do with it either. She kissed me with her lips closer together at first, so, I started to think it became defensive in nature. I really like her, but wasn't quite sure how to approach it. Was she using the open mouth to avoid the kissing?
Posted by: Kraig at February 26, 2006 12:47 PM