« Taken Care Of | Main | Fishing »
June 03, 2005
He's Going to Kill Me
My mom called the other day in what sounded like horrible condition. She was sniffling and could barely talk. It sounded as if she'd been crying for hours at least.
"Brian. This is mom. Call me back. I need a recipe for banana bread."
I wasn't sure what to think. She has never thrown away anything in her life. I'm sure she can find a banana bread recipe in atat least one of the dusty, yellowing cookbooks that fill a shelving unit, the kitchen table and a few choice spots around kitchen floor. Why would she call me asking for a recipe for banana bread?
But that was all a secondary thought. A thought pushed to the back by the one that commanded my attention - Why the hell is she crying?
Perhaps vainly, I scared myself into thinking that as her most understanding and sensitive I was the one child she'd call first if there was trouble.
I wanted nothing to do with it.
So, to avoid walking into a trap I called up my brother. He still lives fairly close and I figured she would call him as Emotional Support Plan B.
"Nick. Did mom call you?"
"No. Why?"
"She left this messed up message crying and sniffling asking for banana bread."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know. I didn't call her back. I don't want to call if she's going to freak out. I mean, she could barely talk. And I know she has a recipe for banana bread with all those..."
"There's probably a recipe in every one of those fucking books."
"No shit. I can't think of what it'd be about."
"Don't call her then."
"No. I'll call. If it was a big deal she'd have called you already."
"Whatever, dude. I wouldn't call."
I ended up calling my mom and found that she sounded so bad because she had a serious bout with her seasonal allergies. And it was a banana bread recipe she wanted. A specific one in a specific book. The 1962 Betty Croker cookbook she'd given me several years ago.
"Hey, Emma. Remember how I told you I didn't want to call my mom 'cuz I thought she'd freak out on me?"
"Yeah. You should call."
"I did. She just wanted a banana bread recipe -- just a second. She's calling again."
"Brian. I think your father is going to kill me." This time she really was crying.
"What?"
"I think he's going to kill me."
"What are you talking about." My dad once tear gassed a grilfriend of mine and once pulled a shotgun on my sister's boyfriend, but all things considered I don't think he'd actually kill anyone.
"Well I opened his email and I saw this message that they added someone else to the library board and I know he's going to be SO pissed." My mom likes to put a heavy accent on the word immediately before any "bad" word, and to her "pissed" is a bad word. "And I just think he's going to kill me."
"What? Because you looked at his email?"
"Yes. No. No. Because he thinks he's going to loose his job. That EVIL bitch is trying to take his job. How do I deal with it?"
"I don't know. If he gets pissed just avoid him."
"He's probably JUST pissed already."
"I thought he didn't know. You read the email. He hasn't seen it?"
"I wouldn't read any email he hadn't looked at already."
"So he's already gotten the email, and probably has a couple days ago and he's still going to be so pissed he's going to kill you?"
"You know your father. He just goes crazy sometimes."
"Uhh. Yeah. I don't think he's going to kill you mom. Listen. I'd just avoid him if he's pissed. But I have to go. Emma's here and I..."
"Ok. But call tomorrow."
"Like to see if you're alive? Are you serious?"
"Well, you could just say that you called to see how his trip was. He likes hearing from you."
"Ok. I'll call."
"Get your brother and sister to call too, if you can."
"Ok."
Posted by calculatoronfire at June 3, 2005 05:53 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://baltiblogs.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/5929
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference He's Going to Kill Me: