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November 16, 2004
For Lack of Better Directions
I don't know who writes instructions for home improvement products, but I know this much: they should be fired. I've been doing a lot of remodeling of late and have come across some instructions that just baffle me.
Take the insulation I put up in my walls. The only type the home improvment superwarehouse sold in the size I needed was the "new and improved" type that "requires no staples." It says so on the front of the package and on the insulation itself.
No staples? Great! But is there some sort of trick to installing it? One should always check the directions. The installation directions on the back of the package read "Staple insulation to studs starting from the top, moving down."
What? No staples required, but you must staple to install? The front of the package department and the back of the package department should get together with the propaganda on the product itself department and hammer out a clear strategy.
Yesterday night's hardwood floor installation instructions weren't just stupid like the insulation directions, they left a lot out. I should have known something was amiss when the first step was to draw a chalkline on the floor and the chalk (for the chalkline) container read " ...chalks are permanent. There is no known way to remove them. ... This product contains silicone dioxide which, when inhaled, may be injurious to your health..." In addition to that it is impossible for one person to make perfectly square chalk lines on the floor like they say you should (but you can make several permanent non-square lines). So just forget the chalkline. In fact forget the directions they give you.
I'm going to help everybody out and rewrite the directions. This way everyone can benefit from my mistakes and things will be abundantly more clear.
1. Grab a drink now. Intoxication will come in handy later, especially if you don't follow step 2.
2. Remove your clothes. Seriously, get naked. I spent quite some time trying to take off the pants that I accidently glued to myself. If you're naked you're already down to the stuff that is supposed to be stuck to you. There'll be no need to spend hours trying to get the stuff unstuck.
3. Draw a line on the floor parallel to one wall at a distance of 24 1/2" with a pencil or a marker. The hardwood floor directions guy has a cousin in the chalkline business. That's the only reason that reference was in there. Pencil is the way to go. However, at no point should you put that pencil behind your ear. It will get stuck there because you will be using adhesive that claims to be specially formulated for wood floor installation, but is suspiciously good at adhering pencils and demin to human flesh.
4. See the wall at a right angle with the wall you just drew a line in front of? Do the same thing to that wall. Try to make the lines meet a right angle, but don't worry about it too much because your going to cover the lines with that demin & pencil to skin adhesive in just a second anyway.
5. Spread the adhesive and put the floor down along those lines your drew if you can still see them. If not, just place them along the wall and work your way across the floor.
6. Grab another drink, make it a double, because you're done and need to peel off the stuff you inadvertantly glued to your body.
It's that simple with good directions.
Posted by calculatoronfire at November 16, 2004 09:21 PM