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March 17, 2005
The Dating Service Pt 1
Last night I was hanging out at this bar and something or another in one of the night's conversations reminded me of this time I went to this dating service place out in Columbia, MD.
It's not like it sounds. Really.
I swear.
I was dating someone at the time.
I was on the phone with her when I got a call on the other line.
"Hold on. I've got another call. --
Hello?"
"Hi. I'd like to ask you a few questions about your dating habits. Would you like to be part of our survey?"
"Would I ever!" I love surveys. There's something I find alluring about making my voice heard. Something about telling the rest of the world that not everyone wants to live a world of suburban sprawl dodging SUVs in the parking lots of super-megastores to get home in time to watch the next episode of American Apprentice -- ooh ooh! I hope Johnny doesn't get thrown in the tar pit this week!
That, and I like trying to skew survey results. So, given the opportunity to throw a wrench in a survey about dating habits, I needed to take it. I needed to throw in a little creepiness. I told the girl on the other line that I had to go, I lied about some important call I'm sure, and switched back over to the survey.
"I'm going to ask you a few questions about dating, OK?"
"Yeah. Shoot."
"Where do you go to find women for dating purposes?"
"I call them 'the ladies.'"
"Excuse me."
"You mean 'the ladies.' Where do I go to find the ladies?"
"Yes. Ok. Where do you go to find the ladies fordating purposes."
"Bars."
"Anywhere else?"
"Yeah. All sorts of places, but they're easier when they're drunk."
"Umm ... What are some of the other places? anything in particular?"
"Well, where do you go?"
"Where do I go?"
"Yeah. Where do you go to find the ladies?"
"Some people go to clubs, parks, church..."
"Yep. Those places."
"Ok. -- What age range in women do you traditionally seek?"
I thought long and hard about this one. I wanted to be creepy, but would it be too much to say something like 14 and up? Probably. I should start higher. "Do I have to start with legal?"
"Ok. 18. To what age?"
The guy had remarkable tolerance and patience, but no grasp of the law here in Maryland. Through relaying this story I've found that out. The age of consent in Maryland is 16.
"To how old? Let's see. I'll go for a lady up to a year younger than my mom. As old as my mom is just creepy, you know. -- Unless she's rich."
He asked me a few more questions and I answered all as creepily as possible. I was sure the guy had a mental picture of me that included a mustache, a van with a mattress in back and a bottomless bag of candy on the dash. At the end of the survey, through my sigh of satisfaction -- satisfaction that I had thrown the survey -- I heard him say, "You sound like a great candidate for our dating service."
What? Dating service? What the hell? I thought this was a survey. It was a shame. I feel like I've been lied to.
And what the fuck? I was as disgusting as possible and this guy says I sound like a great candidate for his dating service? These things are worse than I thought.
"Someone will call you up next week to discuss details with you."
And sure enough, they did. Several times over the next two weeks. They wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't have caller ID, so I picked up the phone every time it rang, and more often than not, for those couple weeks, it was the dating service trying to get me to come down to their office for their "free" consultation. Still, I picked up the phone every time because friends and family occassionally called.
"Hey, Loser."
"Hey. Thank god it's you. I thought it was the dating service again."
"What the hell? Loser. You're in a dating service now?
"No. No. They just keep calling me. They want me to go down to their office to hook me up or something."
"So go."
It was my brother. We have a failry good understanding of each other, so it caught me off guard when he suggested I go down to their office to meet them.
"No way."
"Yeah, dude. The operator that gets you to go down there gets like $100 just for getting you to go down there. -- Whether you pay or not."
"How would you know."
"Remember my friend Joe?"
Joe had told my brother that he went down to a dating service that pulled something similar with him, but he only went because one of the callers told him she'd get a hundred bucks if he went.
I love spending other people's money, and with the believe that the dating service man would pay an operator $100 if all I did was show up I started to lean toward going.
"Besides. Think of all the weirdos you see there."
"Oh, yeah. I didn't think of that. Plus I'd get to hear their whole sales pitch. Then I can make fun of it more accurately."
"Dude. You should go. I'm telling you."
"You're just trying to get me to go so you can make fun of me."
"No way, man."
So I scheduled an appointment.
Posted by calculatoronfire at March 17, 2005 11:48 AM
Comments
See, this is what I was talking about. I want the rest of the story now.
Patience is not a virtue that I posess.
Posted by: anonymouscoworker at March 17, 2005 12:19 PM
I got a call on my cell from soem guy doing a survey once. He was asking about radio, he was trying to get demographic information for the stations around atlanta. I told him I listened to 96rock. He asked me my age and I told him I was 18, then he asked me my race. I told him I was black. I know it's not as sneaky as turning into a completely creepy dude, but I like to think I skewed the graph a little.
Posted by: chris at March 17, 2005 1:20 PM