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January 26, 2005
Tough Wine Bottle
"I don't have a hammer. It says we need a hammer."
"I'm sure we can do without. We could use a piece of wood or something."
"Nope. That doesn't work. I'm sure you have something else hard enough around here."
Why does putting together a futon require tools not included in the package? Don't they know that people that buy futons that require assembly don't have tools lying around the house? Are they in it with the hammer companies. I bet they are. They're in it together. I know it.
"Hey. We can use this wine bottle as a hammer. Wine bottles are pretty tough." I know wine bottles are tough. I routinely bang the end into walls to open them without the aid of a corkscrew. My dad taught me a few years back. -- "You just get a towel or something, fold it up, find a hard wall or a stud, grab the neck of the bottle and bang the end against the wall -- with the towel in between. The cork comes out so that you can just grab it and pull it out."
I tried it out with some hesitation. I didn't want to smash the bottle. Nothing happened. So I hit it harder against the wall. Then, sure enough, the cork began to creep out of the bottle. A little bit with each impact with the wall.
The next party I went to saw my arrival with a bottle of wine in hand -- a bottle of Portugese "green" wine. "Check this out. I can open this bottle without a corkscrew."
"I've got one in the kitchen."
"No. I don't need one. I can open it without one."
"Why? I've got a corkscrew."
"Yeah, but that's not as cool as my way."
"Are you just going to push the cork in? There's nothing cool about that. I do that all the time."
"Yeah. that's another way. I do that too, but it's not as loud and sometimes you don't have a butter knife or whatever you use."
"I use a pencil or something."
"See. Wood doesn't grow on trees."
"Umm. Yeah, it does."
"I know it does. Just get me a towel and let me get this over with."
I took the bottle and towel to the wall in the living room. Luckily the house was cinderblock, or some sort of concrete, so it didn't matter where I did my little trick. I started banging the bottle against the wall. The people paying attention started to look a little startled, some scared. "Don't worry. I've done this before. The bottle doesn't break."
The cork came out quickly. Much quicker than it did the first time. I'm getting much better at this. Oh. It's almost out. Just one more time.
It turns out the cork was coming out so quickly because it was under more pressure than the time before - green wine is carbonated. With my "last" hit to the wall I found this out. Half the bottle's contents sprayed across the room, much of it spraying the opposite wall.
Mental note: Do not use green wine for amazing wine bottle/wall opening trick.
About a year later at a party at my house I made a remark about the wine bottle/wall opening trick and was pressured to do it. "Come on! Let's see."
"No. I don't think the walls here are strong enough."
"Do it in the basement."
"Or do it here. This part seems hard enough."
It did. The small section of wall jutting out to make some deformed arch seperating my apartment's kitchen from the living room did seem hard enough. "OK."
With the first smack I felt something strange. Did I break the bottle? was my first thought. But I didn't notice any wine spilled. I was about to deliver another blow when I thought Maybe, just maybe, it was the wall. I removed the towel and chunks of plaster fell to the floor. There was a new hole, much bigger in diameter than the wine bottle, in the wall.
Mental note. Don't do wine bottle/wall opening trick at home.
I had a small container of spackle in the house, but nothing else for the job. I didn't feel much like going to the store to get the supplies, but there wasn't enough spackle to fill the hole.
Then it hit me. Rocks. I can mix rocks and spackle to fill the hole. I have rocks in the driveway. So I went out to the driveway and grabbed a handfull of rocks. I mixed them with the spackle and filled up the hole.
A couple days later I went back to my hole ingeniously filled with those free, and easily attained rocks. I used the rest of spackle and my finger to smooth everything out. When that dried I used a little sandpaper to do the final smoothing.
Or to try to do the final smoothing.
The rocks stuck out. Oh well, it's a rental.
(It seems strange to me that the lumpy wall covered in a different shade of white did not effect my security deposit, but I had to pay $50 to have the oven, which I never used, cleaned.)
Mental note: Never mind. Do it in rentals. No problem. Especially if it's the kind of rental where the landlord never fixes the leak in the roof you tell him about every time you pay rent.
I thought I had it down. I knew to use only normal red or white wine and to do the trick at others' houses. So I had no problem doing it on the front of my neighbors' row house when I moved to Baltimore.
We were hanging out on my stoop and had just finished off a forty. We wer both looking for something more to drink. We talked about going down to the bar to get another 40 when I remembered I had a bunch of wines inside. I had stocked up on Chilean Merlots earlier in the week (Chilean wines giving you the most bang for your buck). "Check this out. I'll be right back." I ran inside and grabbed a bottle of wine and a towel.
Back outside I started banging the wine bottle against the side of his house.
"Whachu doin'? You's gonna bust that bottle!"
"No. It's OK. I've done this before. The cork just pops out."
I banged and banged the bottle against the wall. My arm was getting tired. I took a short break, but then returned with extra vigour. "I'm going to get this cork out without -- Shit!"
The bottle smashed. Wine splashed all over me. All over the towel. The house. The sidewalk. It was a cheap Chilean bottle, so everything smelled like vinegar. I looked down at the neck of the bottle still in my hand. That's when I noticed a shard of glass about 4 inches long had nestled half of it's self into my hand. I pulled it out and ran inside the house for something I could use as a bandage. And another bottle of wine.
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 26, 2005 01:26 PM
Comments
I'm going to give this trick a try. If it doesn't work, I'm going back to my fancy-pants "rabbit" corkscrew.
Posted by: anonymouscoworker at January 26, 2005 02:01 PM
i have an extra corkscrew and an extra hammer, if you ever need either of them.
Posted by: liveinlove at January 26, 2005 02:54 PM
Toss the rabbit out the door. This works. Seriously.
Well -- it works unless you smash the bottle. Watch out for that.It's not likely to happen, I've done it tens of times and only once has it broken, but I thought I should warn you.
I must admit that I do also use a corkscrew. No. Wait. I think I'm remembering things wrong. You don't need a corkscrew on a box.
Posted by: brian at January 27, 2005 12:14 PM
I've got three or four hammers at my house so I think I'm covered there.
I just remembered that boxes of wine don't require a corkscrew. So I guess I really don't need a cork screw either, but thanks for the offer.
If I remember correctly I did clear your house of other stuff pretty well last night.
Thanks for that too.
Posted by: brian at January 27, 2005 12:19 PM
You guys are crazy, but awesome!
Posted by: at December 4, 2005 03:37 PM