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January 21, 2005
Lightly Sleeping
This morning I woke up early and tried to remember my dream. I have never been able to remember my dreams and I've decided that from today on I'm going to remember them. So last night before I went to sleep I told myself, "I will remember my dream. I will remember my dream." I read in some articles that is supposed to work. (I also said, "I will find $200 on the sidewalk. I will find $200 on the sidewalk." That hasn't worked yet.)
When I woke up I was disappointed; I couldn't remember my dream. What? How can this be? I told myself I would remember. Then it came to me - a 1984 light brown Oldsmobile Cutlas Supreme:
With two eggs smashed on the back window. (Sorry, I couldn't find any pictures of 1984 Oldsmobiles with eggs smashed on the back window.)
Anything else? I was excited I had remembered that much, but I still wanted more. What was going on? What was happening? Was I driving? I drew a blank. Nothing. Just a car with eggs on the back window. I went back to sleep hoping that I would dream again, this time remembering a little bit more.
But I couldn't fall asleep. There was a bird in the ceiling. What? A bird in the ceiling? I thought I sealed up the hole. I know I sealed up the whole. Was it there all day and all night? No way. I didn't hear anything. Maybe it was alseep and it just woke up. I heard it scurrying around in the ceiling. Pecking at the light fixture. Picking up and dropping a marble or something. A marble? Is that a marble? Why is there a marble in the ceiling? No, it's probably just a nut. NO! I hope it's not a nut. It'll eat it and stay alive longer. I'll never sleep again.
Then I remembered I read drinking before you go to sleep makes you sleep lighter. So if I don't drink before I go to sleep there's a better chance I'll sleep through the racket in the ceiling. I guessed that I wasn't able to go back to sleep because I drank the night before. At the PITS.
Not long after I arrived at the corner bar the Bankrupt Millionaire Male Prostitute Hitman came in. After a bit he again asked (he had the previous day as well), "Is this a gay bar? I've never been to a gay bar before."
Gene, the bartender, retorted, "Don't believe him. He's the biggest cock sucker in the city of Baltimore!"
"That's not true. I've never had a homosexual experience."
"Liar. I saw you sucking cock in the Unicorn back in the 80s."
"Oh, that's right. I've had one homosexual experience."
"With five guys."
"Well, it was an experience."
A while later, out of the blue, he began to tell a story. "I once got a cucumber stuck up my ass and had to go to the hospital to get it out."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah. I had to tell the doctors that I was making a salad -- making a salad naked -- when I dropped a cucumber. I bent down to pick it up and it landed upright the long way -- it went right up my ass when I bent down. It was all oily from the salad dressing, you know?"
"What'd they say?"
"Not much about that, it's just that I was wearing ladies underwear. All mine were dirty, see, so I had to wear a pair of panties I had around. It must have looked strange to them. A guy in women's underwear with a cucumber up his ass."
"Do you think they figured you out?"
"Oh, it didn't matter to them. They were all gay anyway. The doctors the orderlies. All gay."
"Really?"
"Oh, yeah. I had to go back another time to get a coke bottle pulled out of my ass. a glass coke bottle."
"You stick a lot of things up your ass?"
"Oh yeah. All sorts of things. I started with a frozen banana. I peeled it and stuck it in the freezer."
"Wasn't that cold?"
"Hell yeah. That's why I switched to cucumbers. -- A lot of people like sex. They search out partners; it's a real challenge for them. I like sticking things in my ass. I spend hours finding the right cucumbers. I have to check every one in the store. I grab every one. I try to find just the right one -- size and shape."
"Wow."
"Oh yeah. I love it."
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 21, 2005 12:33 PM
Comments
the car is cool
Posted by: josue at January 18, 2008 09:54 PM
ok
Posted by: josue at January 18, 2008 09:56 PM