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January 20, 2005
Haircut
Yesterday I decided to get a haircut, so after I was advised to leave the office early on account of the snow storm (2") I headed out to the psychic barber. Normally the psychic barber is only about 15 minutes out of my way on the way home, but yesterday traffice was horrible. After about 35 minutes I had gone about 11 miles; I figured it would take me at least 40 minutes to get to the psychic barber so I decided not to go there.
I had another place in mind - Phil's Barber Shop. Phil runs an old man barber shop on Eastern Ave near Patterson Park. I went there once before, before he raised the price of a cut to $9.00. That put him nearly a dollar more than the psychic barber, and effectively out of my price range. Plus he doesn't include psychic readings in the price of a cut.
Phil does, however, talk endlessly about sports and how he can better decorate his barber shop with more sports memorabilia. The walls of his shop are covered with newspaper clippings, and posters. He has dozens of little soccer balls, baseballs, footballs, hockey pucks, etc suspended from the ceiling. He has team logos embossed in leather on a shelf that runs above the mirror.
I made the mistake of commenting on them.
Then I received a 45 minute lecture about leather tooling. "I made those all myself. I'm going to make one for every professional sports team." He showed me his tools, his leather, his leather tooling cataloges. He told me about the prices. He told me about how he makes his friends and family tooled leather booties when they have children.
It was the longest haircut of my life. Until Yesterday.
Phil's Sport/Leather Tooling Barber Shop was closed because of the couple inches of snow. So I went a little farther down the street to Tom's Barber Shop. Tom closed early because of the storm too. I continued down the street. There were no barber shops. I turned off Eastern onto Dundalk Ave. I figured people in Dundalk had to get their hair cut. There had to be someplace in Dundalk.
Sure enough, there was a place. Avana's Hair Academy. A sign outside advertised their $6 haircuts.
Sweet! That's well inside my price range.
I went inside Avana's and found nothing had been changed since the early 60s. The old aluminum coffee pot, the barber chairs, the felt banner advertising some no longer existent line of hair care products. I stepped up to one of the people behind one of the two counters, "Who do I talk to about getting a haircut?"
The guy with the coke-bottle glasses that made his eyes look about the size of the team logos Phil kept above his mirror answered me, "What sort of haircut do you want?"
"Like the one I have now, but shorter."
"What would you call it?"
"I've heard it called a 'high 'n tight'."
"OK. she can help you." He pointed at a girl sitting in the waiting area.
"Ah uh. I'm on my lunch break Mr Gibbons." It was just after 4pm.
"OK -- Jenny, Can you do a high 'n tight?" Jenny nodded that she could.
I walked back to Jenny's chair. I passed at least ten other chairs placed in front of mirrors sure to be made with mercury lining walls otherwise covered with lead paint and tar from stale cigarette smoke.
I sat down in Jenny's chair and she proceded to ask me, no less than 3 times, how I wanted my hair cut. When she finally figured that I was telling the truth, that my intentions were pure, or whatever, she began cutting my hair.
I get my hair cut with an electric trimmer. The kind you put a guard on then rub on someone's head to cut their hair a uniform length. I figure cutting hair like that must be pretty easy for a barber and most of the time barbers cut my hair in less than 15 minutes, save Phil, supporting my hypothesis, but for some reason it took Jenny over 45 minutes.
She changed guards at least 10 times. From one to another back to the first. Repeat. Then came the scissors for the top.
When she was done she called over Mr Gibbons, the crazy-eyed teacher. He came over with his glasses atop his head and told her how she did a pretty good job, but she screwed things up here and there. How can he tell without his glasses? They're like an inch thick and he can tell without them on? What did she do? Then he started cutting my hair.
I wasn't scared when Jenny was cutting my hair, just a little surprised at how long it was taking. But now a blind man was cutting my hair. It'll grow back, Brian. Don't worry. It'll grow back.
Over an hour after I first sat in the chair Jenny sent me out the door. From what I can tell it is a good hair cut. And cheap. And I feel like I helped someone further their career.
So now I'm torn. Should I go back to get a cheap ($6), albeit long, cut and lend my head to some students or get a cheap ($8) cut and a psychic reading? Maybe I can switch off between the two.
I need to make a decision in the next two weeks.
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 20, 2005 01:39 PM
Comments
I say go with psychic. If you compare prices, you are saving $2 if you go with the academy. But, if you were to call a psychic hotline $2 would probably get you around a minute. So you are getting a 15-20(or however long a haircut lasts) psychic reading for $2. Actually saving yourself $30-40. I guess it all depends how much psychicness means to you.
Posted by: chris at January 20, 2005 02:19 PM
The odds of the Jennys being hotter than your male, psychic friend are higher. Go with the students.
Posted by: argyle at January 20, 2005 03:27 PM
The Jennys are cheaper, this is true. They are also hotter, mostly because they are young don't have pizza stains all over their faces.
But they take so long and don't talk at all except to ask how you want your hair cut. The psychic gives these excellent ego-boosting psychic readings. "Every lady in the world wants you." (Which I, of course, know already. It's just nice to hear someone else say it) "You're cheap, but in a good way." etc. But he also tells me about his prostate problems, which, even though it's in small doses, is not cool. It's not like it offsets the hilarity of the "readings" but I don't really like hearing about how often he has to wake up to pee or how he'll have to "go with the flow."
Still, it's only $2, and the readings are hilarious. Next time I'm bringing my tape recorder so I can more accurately convey the reading.
Maybe next time I go to the academy I can tell the Jenny about how my usual barber gives me awesome psychic readings and I think she should do the same because customers really like it when barbers do that.
Then I can have the best of both worlds.
Posted by: brian at January 20, 2005 03:51 PM
You can coach them with your wealth of haircut subject experience. Psychic readings are good, but you should also make sure they know that mild flirting can lead to larger tips (but by telling them, not by actually tipping them.)
Maybe you should just avoid getting your hair cut at all. If the only officers you encounter see you with your hat on, you can just tie it up into your hat, or wear it back and pretend that "brian" is a woman's name. Then, you can completely avoid answering the question of which barber to patronize.
Posted by: argyle at January 21, 2005 09:22 AM
You think anyone would believe BRIAN is a women's name?
I hope so; I hate going to the barber. I also hate shaving. I could be the bearded woman named Brian.
Think it could work.
Posted by: brian at January 21, 2005 02:27 PM
Quick way to turn boy's name into girl's name:
Add an 'a' 'y' or 'ette'
e.g.: briana, brianette, briany (wouldn't recommend this one, people might mistake it for brainy and miss the point)
Posted by: chris at January 21, 2005 02:55 PM
Good idea. I choose Brianette. That sounds good.
When I was 8 my sister's friend Brianna always bothered me trying to get me to make out with her. She was 5. I always said no. For some reason she always happened to accidently walk into the bathroom when I was in it.
I refuse to call myself Brianna.
Posted by: brian at January 21, 2005 05:57 PM
who is the psychic barber, anyhow?
Posted by: sue at July 15, 2005 01:02 PM