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January 14, 2005
Dan's Exploits
We have this internet policy at work. I'm a little rough on the details, but I know one of the things you're not supposed to do it look at porno. Porno and anything anti-semitic. I think Francophobic is ok, after all people keep look at billoreilly.com like it's their god given right, but like I said, I'm a little rough on the details.
I do know that supervisors are held responsible for their subordinates' indiscretions. But I don't know how any supervisor would stop one of their employees. Walk around to see what they're looking at? Any employee with sense looks around for their boss before they begin to enjoy their internet porn at work.
One day I was walking through the office and one of my employees was looking at some porno. "What are you looking at?"
"Oh. Hey, Boss. My friend just sent me this email. It's pretty good."
"I see it." I figured telling him that I saw the porno on his screen would be enough. He'd realize the boss saw it and save it for home.
"Isn't she hot?"
"Yeah, she's pretty hot." See, Dan? I saw it. I noticed what it is. Put it away.
"That's a man."
"No way!"
"Yep."
"There's no way that's a man."
"Yep. They're all men." It was a slide show with nearly 2 dozen photos of "women" topless or in two piece bikinis. "They're all Thai men."
"But. But, the breasts."
"Hormones. But aside from that a lot of the men there look just like women."
"Not that much like women. Those have got to be women."
"No, they're men. Here I'll send it to you."
That incident must have established some sort of rapport between us because from that day on Dan started talking to me about his sexual adventures across Asia. "I went to this bar in the Phillipines. It was the first I had ever been there and I went with a friend of mine. We sat at the bar and he ordered the special. So I did too. They gave us each a couple beers, but it shocked the hell out of me when someone started openeing my fly. A girl opened this window under the bar opened my fly through it. I didn't see anything so it really shocked me. Plus I didn't know why. I thought it was just a five dollar beer."
"That's nice Dan. Did you get those budget figures from the finance office?"
"No, not yet."
"Did I ever tell you about my friends that were in the Army? The ones who went on a sex tour of Thailand?"
"Dan, this sounds like you."
He laughed like it was actually him, or something he could see himself doing at the very least. "No, I didn't go with them this time."
"I don't know, you tell me a lot of stories."
"Well, three of my friends went down to Thailand for a week on what they called a 'sex tour.' Did I tell you that?"
It went something like this. Three friends of Dan's took leave from the Army and flew to Thailand. There the intended to change their dollars for sex, but first they needed a hotel room. So the three guys went down to a hotel and got three seperate rooms -- they couldn't share a room because of the impending sexual marathon with thailands sex workers. They stored their stuff in their rooms and planned to meet up in the lobby for a night on the town.
By the time the second guy made it to the lobby the first was already engaged in conversation with a hooker. The other two thought something about the hotel lobby solicitation was a bit disconcerting -- maybe they liked their whores a little less aggressive, you know the timid type -- so they tried to get the first guy to forget about the girl and go out with them. But he wasn't hearing any of it, 'Hold on, guys, I'll be right back down.'
'Fine. We'll be in the bar.' So the groupd split up. The two went to the bar, the other guy took the girl upstairs to get a jump start on his tour.
Upstairs the girl began to earn her money by going down on him. 'Ok, I want to have sex with you now.'
'There is something I have to tell you first.'
'I've got a rubber.' Still, she didn't seem to want to move.
'I want to fuck you now.'
She said, 'I have to tell you something.' Then went back to business.
He grabbed for her skirt. She fought him off, ' I have to tell you something.'
I don't care what you have to tell me. He reached under her skirt. -- He reached under her skirt and grabbed her penis.
He jumped back in shock. She jumped back and screamed. 'I tried to tell you.'
'Get the fuck away from me you faggot.'
'It's no problem, you can have sex with my ass.'
'Get the fuck away!'
She/He came toward the client, 'It's no problem.' the client punched her/him in the face and threw him out the door. He waited, looking out the peephole, until it ran away. Then he went down to the bar to his friends.
He told his friends all about what had happened while drinking a beer. Before he finished the beer the prositute came back with a couple police officers. 'That's him. That's him.' is what she/he probably said in Thai because the police confronted the man.
'You need to pay the lady.'
'That's no lady. That's a man.'
'You need to pay him.'
'I'm not paying him.'
'He performed oral sex for you like you asked.'
'He's a dude. I didn't ask for that.'
'You owe him for oral sex.'
'I'm not paying. That's a dude. He lied to me.'
'How could you not know that was a man? He didn't lie.'
'I'm not paying.'
'You owe him for his work.'
'But I didn't even come.'
'He says, only because you kicked him out.'
'I kicked him out because he' a man.'
'Man or not, you pay him or you go to jail.'
'I'd rather go to jail. There's no way I'm going to pay a man to give me head.'
The friends stepped in. 'Dude. Do you know how bad this will look back at work? What are we going to tell the commander? You can't make it back to work because you're in jail in Thailand for not paying a prostitute? A male prostitute?'
'Well, I ain't paying. That's all there is.'
The friends ended up paying the guy in the skirt in order to keep their friend out of jail.
"Weird."
"I know. Can you imagine?"
"I don't imagine you've finished the form for the new copier, have you?"
"Damn. Forgot about that. Did I ever tell you about the time we all photocopied our..."
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 14, 2005 12:21 PM
Comments
Hey, I'd pay the guy who sucked you off so you wouldn't have to go to jail. I'd do that for you you. That's what friends are for.
Posted by: liveinlove at January 14, 2005 04:03 PM
Hey! It's not me. It's Dan's friend. When I talk about me (without talking about me) I talk about my friend. I would never go to Thailand for a sex tour. Not when I have so many toothless crack whores just down the block. Seriously, it would just make no sense. For the cost of the plane ticket I could fill my house, wall-to-wall, with crack whores (and have you seen how skinny they are? That's a lot of crack whores).
I do, however, appreciate the gesture and will take a rain check on that offer (just in case, you know?). I would, of course, do the same. If some man-whore tricked you into sex I'd be there for you. As a friend of course.
Posted by: brian at January 18, 2005 10:09 AM