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January 06, 2005
Date with a Drunk, Bankrupt, Millionaire, Prostitute Hitman
"Do you want to go to the PITS for a drink?"
"Ah. I can't. I'm broke until the 15th, didn't I tell you?"
"Well maybe someone will give you one for free."
"The PITS is a lesbian bar. Let's go to the Quest."
"What's that?"
"It's a creepy old man gay bar on Fleet. I could get fucked up for free. You'd have to pay for a couple though."
"Just meet me at the PITS. I'll buy you a drink."
So I met Emma at the corner bar. We hung out for a while, behind us the bankrupt millionaire regular, John was louder and drunker than usual. He gets obnoxious and touchy feely and squawks like a bird from time to time. He must have passed the squawking stage some time ago; he was shaking the "amusement only" slot machine behind us.
The first couple times I heard the shaking I turned around to see what it was. I hadn't figured it out, but decided I'd quit looking over - he was talking about the number of people he'd had sex with and I didn't want to give him the idea I was interested in that."
"Six thousand. I've slept with over six thousand people. Most people stop at six thousand, but not me." He was telling this to the older woman shaking the slot machine next to his.
"You did not!"
"Gay. Bi. Straight. Male Female. I don't care. I'll have sex with them all. I'll fuck anything."
"You're bad." the old woman said.
"That's not bad. I'll fuck anything! That's not bad."
"No, you won't."
"Yes, I will. I'm a prostitute. I was arrested last year. Did I tell you that? Last summer. The oldest prostitute on record in the city. I'm a male prostitute."
Something about the exchange made both Emma and I chuckle.
"Look at those two. They are gorgeous. I'd fuck 'em. Hey! I'd fuck both of you guys. You're amazing!"
"Together?" -Emma
"I don't want to have to pay." - Me
"No. No. I'd give you two a freebie. Will you let me buy you a drink?"
"Sure." - in stereo
"Thank you. Thank you. -- Two drinks for the kids. Give me a vodka and give my wife a Budweiser."
"That's your wife?"
"Seperated. We've been seperated for a while, but we're getting back together tonight."
The bartender gave him his total. $7.80. "Where else can you get drinks for $7.80? Nowhere in the city! Nowhere in America!"
"The liquor store." - Emma
Just as we were finishing our first drinks a second round of free drinks came over. "Who are these from?"
"That lady at the end of the bar."
"OK."
"Hey you gorgeous kids. You're coming to dinner with me tomorrow. Meet me here at 8:00. We'll go down to Eichenkranz. They have excellent food. Have you ever been there?"
I had been there before. The hunchback cook with only one good eye came out to my table and not only told jokes, but danced. He should have spent less time dancing and more time concentrating on the food as it was horrible. "Yeah. I've been there before."
"Ok. You two gorgeous kids and my wife. I'll pay for everything. A couple hundred bucks No big deal. I'll pay for everything. It'll be free. I just got paid."
"Yeah. Ok. 8:00." Like we were really thinking of going anywhere with this creepy drunk.
"You better go. You better not make me mad. You know what I do for a living?"
He said he was a prostitute, but that didn't seem to threatening. For some reason I thought I remembered another time I was in the bar and he told me he was a hitman. "You're a hitman."
"That's right! I kill people for a living. I'm ex military/CIA covert. I just did a hit. A $50,000 hit."
"Wow. You just killed someone?"
"Yeah, but not in this country."
"Where?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Canada?"
"No."
"You can at least tell me the continent. Europe?"
"Nope."
"Asia?"
"Yeah. Asia. $50,000 hit in Asia."
"Wow. An Asian hitman."
"No. I do it all over the world. Ex CIA covert. You and your wife meet me here and we'll go for a night on the town. Get fucked up. Food and drinks are on me. We'll start here and go to Eichenkranz and then go clubbin'."
A retiree wanted to take us clubbin'.
"We're not married."
"You should be. She is amazingly sexual. Look at her. And you too. God. You kids are so sexual. 8:00 tomorrow. Meet me here."
Unfortunately both Emma and I are going to be busy.
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 6, 2005 12:17 PM