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January 05, 2005
New Year's Eve 3
As we approached the Harborway Inn (aka the Harborway, the Harbor Hole, the Hole) we saw Clyde escorting someone out and walking him down the block. The Hole isn't the type of bar that has a bouncer, and if they did have a bouncer Clyde wouldn't fit the bill.
Though Clyde does look like a 70s rocker he seems a little too skinny to be intimidating. Plus he's a millionaire. He's got millions in real estate around the state (Please don't tell his girlfriend. Apparently he's keeping that fact from her. He'll tell everyone else, but not her) and you don't ever see millionaires working as bouncers in bars that regularly have natural gas leaks, or force women to use the men's room because the ladies' is broken.
"Is Rachel here?"
"Yeah, she's in the bathroom, she just beat that guy up." Spooky, the bartender said.
"What? Who?"
"Didn't you see that guy walking out with Clyde?"
"Yeah."
"She slapped him a bunch of times cuz he flicked her in the eye, so we kicked him out."
"Woah."
"Don't mess with me," Daniel teased, "or I'll get my girlfriend to kick your ass."
After sharing the news Spooky demanded a hug from each one of us. She grabbed us over the bar and spread her strange smell to each of us through the contact.
"What's that smell, Emma?"
"I don't know. What smell?"
"You smell like Spooky. Did she give you a hug too?"
"Yeah. You think that's from her?"
"It's pretty distinct."
I looked around and didn't see the fire spitter. "Spooky! Did that guy spit fire yet?"
"What? Come here."
I leaned over the bar and she grabbed me again. "Did that guy start his face on fire -- I mean spit fire -- yet?"
"No, but he'll be back. You're a lucky guy."
"Lucky how?"
"You're really hot, and Emma's really hot and you guys are both really nice and I think you should hook up. Seriously. I'm not on drugs or anything. Right now."
"Ok. Thanks. I'll see what I can do about that."
I turned around looking down the bar to tell Emma that both of us were hot and we should hook up, but my search was aborted when I saw Kevin drunk at the bar. Kevin is 18 if I'm not mistaken. Someone was asking him about his girlfriend. He didn't have one. "Do you have a sister?"
"Me?"
"Yeah. You." - Kevin.
"Yeah."
"Is she single?"
"Yeah, and she's hot for you." Sure, I have a sister, she's not single and she'd never date him being in LA and all.
"She's hot?"
"Umm. Sure."
"Then no."
"No, what? I won't date her."
"You won't date her if she's hot?"
"No. I aim for average and below."
"I said she's hot for you. Like she wants you. She's my sister. You can never call your own sister hot."
"What does she look like?"
"Umm. Like me I guess, but a girl. And not as tall."
"I can do average or below, tell her to give me a call."
I would have given him a harder time, but I saw two (Yes! 2.) vegetable platters and I was getting hungry, I hadn't eaten for 5 or 6 hours unless you count the small fragments of enormous piece of chicken I wedged in my mouth some time after midnight. I marched straight back to the veggie trays and gorged myself on brocolli --only brocolli for some reason or another.
After a little bit I had to go to the bathroom. "NO! Don't go in there. Liz is puking in there."
"What's Liz doing in the men's bathroom?"
"The women's is broken."
I waited at the bar for the bathroom to open up. Spooky saw me at the far end of the bar, near the brocolli, which was now almost gone, and came down. "Brian, you're a good person. So is Emma. She is the best. You and Emma and [whoever the fire spitter (who happened to be standing next to me) is] are good people. The best. You should hook up."
"He's not my type."
"No. He's mine. He's my fiance. You should hook up with Emma."
"Oh. Ok. That makes more sense."
I left to go the bathroom. I opened the door to find Emma facing me.
"Spooky just accosted me again saying --" She was pointing at the urinal. That caught my attention and cut me short.
"Hey. I cooked that tonight." I saw a delicious looking pasta dish in the bottom of the urinal. Emma stood there covering her mouth and nodding "yes." I reached into the urinal and took out some pasta. Then I realized that I was not only picking pasta out of a urinal, but picking pasta vomit out of a urinal. I threw it in the trash and washed my hands.
When I came out of the bathroom I saw Spooky finishing up a little chat with Emma.
"Did she just tell you that you were really lucky?"
"That we should hook up? Yeah."
Emma, Rachel and Daniel left for a few minutes to take Spencer the Cat home. The door didn't close behind them, however, a one-eyed giant walked in. He was about 6'6" about 350 pounds and only had one eye. He lumbered in and took a seat at the bar. Holy crap! A giant! A one-eyed giant!
"Spooky, do you know him?"
"Yeah, he's my brother."
"He's your brother?"
"Well, like my brother."
"Is his eye missing?"
"Yeah, he lost it in a fight."
I finished off the brocolli.
Daniel came back and we were about to leave when we must have roused the sleeping giant. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"What?"
"You can't come in here and talk like that."
"What are you talking about?" Seeing as how he was a giant I realize now I was a little lippy, but it worked. He calmed down - he didn't want to mess with me.
"Where you going?"
"Home for a bit."
"Watch out for the niggers." He just used the N word. He's a bad, mean, one-eyed giant.
"Ok."
"Don't cross Martin Luther King. The fucking niggers will get you." {gasp} He said it again. But this time he poked me in the chest with his meaty finger. Very mean, Very bad giant.
"We're just going around the corner." Daniel said.
"You better not go too far or the niggers will jump you. Especially you." He poked me in the chest again. "They'll mug you for this shit right here, stupid ass. Don't you have any sense? They'll cut your neck to get at it." Perhaps there is an black market for plastic mardi gras-type beads. I doubted, and still do, but took the beads off anyway. I hid them in my pocket. He turned to Daniel. "You look like you got some smarts. You watch out for this stupid ass, ok?"
"Yeah. I'll watch out for him."
"Good. And if anyone messes with you you come get me. Got it? If you see anyone following you you turn around and get me."
"Will do."
We hurried out the door.
A little while we returned, Emma, Daniel, Rachel and I. "You guys should hook up. I mean it. At least kiss or something."
"Will you give us free beers?" -Emma.
"Sure. Yeah. Free beers."
We talked it over and decided a free beer was incentive enough. We kissed. "Spooky. Did you see that?"
"What?"
"We kissed. Give us some beer."
"I didn't see anything."
We kept waiting until we thought Spooky was looking, but she always turned at the last moment. Damn. "We'll never get our free beers. Oh. Here she comes."
"I want to see some tongue too!"
So we used some tongue. Then Rachel stuck her head between ours', sort of like a puppy looking for affection. "Me too! Me too!" Then I had two women licking my tongue at once. Awesome! What a way to start a new year. I was invigorated. I needed to sumo wrestle.
Emma was willing. I started to kick her ass when the giant erupted again. "Take that shit outside!"
"We're just playing."
"I'm gonna kick your ass--fighting with a girl."
"We were just playing around." - Emma.
"Well this isn't a play ground!"
"Take that shit outside. This ain't no play ground." He balled up a fist. "Or I'll take you outside."
Daniel made a fist and held it up too. It was like waving a red flag in front of a bull after flicking its testicles all day. (That's what they do before bull fights, right?) The one-eyed giant charged. It was a slow charge as drunken one-eyed giants don't move too fast, but it looked dangerous enough. Another woman at the bar was so shocked she decided to use a clever diversion tactic: "When are we all getting naked?"
The giant stopped in his track and cocked his head a bit. "Naked?" The woman ushered us out the door, as we were leaving anyway.
"I thought we were getting naked? -- Guys hold up -- I can't walk that fast with my pants around my ankles!"
Posted by calculatoronfire at January 5, 2005 01:13 PM