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December 29, 2004
Lack of Success
Last night Emma, Rachel and I went down to the PITS. It's supposed to be a lesbian bar but when we walked in the only customers were gay men.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I found the old bankrupt millionaire that squawks like a bird wasn't there. He's rather creepy. But maybe it's not his fault. Maybe it's the alcohol he drinks like water. He even his vodka on the rocks out of water glasses. I don't know what he did to curry the bartenders' favor, but he gets huge drinks for next to nothing. Maybe they take pity on him because he's bankrupt. Maybe they figure a guy that squawks like a bird can't make a whole lot of money. Maybe they water down his drinks.
The two guys immediately commensed staring at me in what I felt was the creepiest way possible (what's worse is they didn't even give me a free drink) and it made me think:
Ladies. All you ladies out there, every single one. I apologize.
It seems to me that men act like this a lot. So I figure as a man I must do it too. I'm sorry. I never meant to make anyone feel uneasy. I just liked what I saw.
I never meant to make you feel like I was going to follow you home and try to force myself into your house or trap you in a dark corner. It may have looked like I was going to do that but I would never, ever, do that. I swear.
For serious.
Unless you wanted me to.
But even then I wouldn't do it all that well.
Shortly after I moved to this little Portugese island I went out to a club with some guys from work. I didn't speak any Portugese (and to this day can say little more than "a bottle of (red) wine please.") so I stuck with the English speaking folk. An older lady, a friend of a friend of a coworker, came up to me and asked me to dance with her. The drinks were cheap so I had had a few and figured what the hell.
I stepped out on the dance floor with this woman easily twice my age. She wasn't as old as my mother, but they definitely could have played together as kids. She grabbed my ass and squeezed a bit. I felt really uneasy. I knew what she wanted and I didn't want to give it to her. Then she told me I should call her "mom."
Drained of energy I went back to the table and sat down.
I saw a Portugese girl I considered hot, and decided to purge myself of the latest experience by hitting on her. She was receptive in a tepid, I don't like you, but you're helping me practice my English so I won't kick you in the groin sort of way. I considered that good enough and sat next to her.
I offered her a drink, and she refused, but we continued talking. I don't remember what exactly it was the conversation was about, but I remember we both ran out of words.
hmmm.
"Can I get you a drink?"
"No."
This happened a couple times before I finally broke her down.
"I'm going to get myself a drink. Do you want one?"
"No. But I'll take some potato chips."
Ah. She wants me to buy her something. Success! I triumphantly walked over to the bar.
Unversed in both Portugese and Portugese drinking establishment customs I stood in the wrong line for a drink. At this club you pay for a drink then go to the bar to get it from the bartender.
I got in the line to buy a drink and chips. It was a rather orderly line, unlike the one to get drinks. Apparently it was obvious I was the guy that didn't speak Portugese and everyone took advantage of that yelling their drink orders to the bartender over my shoulder. I felt like crying out to mom to save me, but I knew she'd take it as an invitation to molest me further, so I patiently waited.
When I was the only guy left at the bar holding a receipt for a pre-purchased drink the bartender decided it was time to stock the bar. Seńor! -- Do they say that here? "Hey!"
He kept walking.
I looked over to the spot I last saw the hot Portugese girl. She was gone. "Brian?" I turned to find her behind me.
"Sorry it's taking so long. I'm not sure how to get his attention."
"I'll get it. bláh bláh bláh."
The bartender came over with a bag of chips and my drink. "Thanks."
"No. Thank you for the chips." she said as she opened the bag. "Bye. I'm leaving." she said as she popped a chip into her mouth.
Then she turned and walked out the door
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 29, 2004 12:49 PM