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December 17, 2004
A Long Drive
There was a time in my life when I was still debating whether or not my mother was crazy; the end of that era coincided with her brother's wedding. The road trip to the wedding being what swayed me to believe she was indeed crazy.
My mom got a new car and decided that it would be a lot of fun to drive it from northern Wisconsin to the panhandle of Florida in one night. "Brian. Your sister and I will stop by your apartment on Thrusday and we're going to drive to the wedding. You should bring your girlfriend."
On Thursday my girlfriend and I got our things together and waited at my apartment on the south side of Chicago for my mom to arrive. She refused to tell me what time she would arrive, just that she was coming Thursday night. We waited until well after midnight.
Around 12:45 she came throught the door in a flurry of spastic movements, "We're hungry."
My roommate had made some herbal brownies, but I wasn't sure I should feed those to my mom since she was most likely going to be driving, so I took her and my sister to the neighborhood Mexican restaurant that was open until 3am on Thursday nights.
"Wow. This place is a dive."
"Mom, they know English, keep it down."
"I haven't slept in two days."
"What? You're not driving then."
"I just need to put my head down for a couple minutes, then we'll go." She said this as she pulled out a map and put it on the table.
"Ok. I'll drive form here to here. Then we'll stop for a bathroom break. Then Sonja will drive to here. Then I'll drive here and well fill up with gas. --"
"Those distances are totally arbitrary. You're driving like all the way through Illinois, Indiana and part of Kentucky before a bathroom break, then Sonja drives 10 miles before we fill up with gas?"
"Then I drive again."
"Why don't you let her drive more? You haven't slept in forever."
"Yeah mom." my sister chimed in.
"She doesn't like driving. Not since the accident. She doesn't even like cars."
"What?"
"What?" That's my sister and I talking. My girlfriend was with us, but don't worry about what she's saying, she never talked around my mom. There are really only three speaking parts here: My mom, the crazy frantic woman; my sister, the condescending bitchy girl and me, the entirely rational one.
"Yeah, she doesn't like cars."
"Sonja, do you not like cars?"
"I don't know what the hell she's talking about." She was in a car accident once, that was true, but all the "since the accident" stuff my mom talked/talks about is complete bogus. Things like, "Your sister has only been slutty since the accident."
"You know you don't like cars. Anyway, I'm driving down to here, then you drive the rest of the way, Ok, Brian?"
"She drives like ten miles then I drive across almost all of Alabama?"
"I told you she doens't like driving."
"Mom, that's not true--"
"I can tell."
We decided to just shut up and let her draw out her crazy ass plans. I knew we'd have to get gas way before Lousiville. Plus, there was always a chance she'd be more rational after she got some sleep.
When we got back to my apartment I put on a Tortoise album while I was preparing the sofas for everyone.
"What is this? It's so boring! I'm trying to sleep."
"It's too boring for you to sleep to?
"Turn it off. I need some sleep."
I turned it off and drove my girlfriend back to her house. When I got back to my place, maybe half an hour later -- no more than one hour after my mom had put her head down to sleep, I must have woken up my mom. "Ok. Let's go!"
"What? You just went to sleep. I didn't even get a chance to get into bed."
"You can sleep in the car. I'm driving. Bring some upbeat music to keep me awake."
I woke up my sister and then we drove over to get my grilfriend who had just fallen asleep.
"My mom says we have to go now so we can get there on time."
"I just got into bed."
"I didn't even get a chance to look at my bed. I think she's crazy. We're probably going to die on this trip."
"I think your mom is on crack."
"Seems like a reasonable assumption."
I'm not sure what happened for a while. I fell asleep and woke up to daylight somewhere in southern Indiana. "Mom. I've got to go to the bathroom."
"Ok." She swerved off the interstate onto an off-ramp within seconds.
My sister was already awake. "She wouldn't pull off when I wanted her to stop."
"Young Lady! Just. Stop. Both of you have to go now."
We stopped in a disgusting little gas station restaurant combo and I headed straight for the bathroom. Unfortunately I had to go #2. I looked at the toilet and it was unflushed. I tried wiping off the seat but it fell on the floor. Damn. I finally cleaned it off, built myself a huge protective layer of toilet paper and flushed the thing before I sat down. I was in no position to turn down this one toilet. For one I had to go. Secondly, there seemed to be no way my mother would stop one more time, this stop was already unplanned.
I sat down quickly. Suddenly I felt myself fall into water. "Damn. I didn't think it was that big." I thought to myself. I reeled myself in to avoid contact with the toilet water. A little later I felt water on my ass. "Disgusting!"
I jumped up. I was done. I had to be. The toilet started overflowing.
I was going out to the car when I noticed my mom sitting at a table in the restaurant part of the station. "I filled up with gas since we were here" she said.
"That's a good idea. Are we going now?"
"Your sister is still in the bathroom. I got you grits."
"I'm not really hungry."
"We're in the south. We're going to eat southern food."
"Mom, we're in Indiana and I'm not hungry."
"We're not stopping again until --"
"Mom, put away the map."
"There she is. Sonja, I got you biscuits and gravy."
"Disgusting."
"She said she's not stop anywhere else."
Later in the day she insisted we listen to country music. "None of us like country music. Not even you."
"I want this trip to be authentic. People here listen to country music, so we will too."
We gave in for one song.
"Mom. I'm hungry, can't we stop somewhere?" My sister said. "Even a drive-through is ok."
"No. No way. I told you this is an authentic trip. I'll stop, but only at locally owned places. No chains."
We stopped at some southern chain (none of us fromt he south knew it was a chain).
"I'll buy if you get Southern food."
"I don't want Southern food."
"Then you pay. But look, they have hush puppies. They have cat fish."
"What the hell is a hush puppy."
"It's a southern food. Get some."
I got some catfish. I've never eaten catfish since. I never had before.
After a few other incidents we ended up at our destination. There was no room at the inn, so my uncle sent us off to a hotel.
"I need two rooms."
"Singles or doubles ma'am?"
"I need a triple and a single."
"A triple? And a single?"
"Yes. I have one male and three females."
"Four people? Two doubles would work."
"No. Two doubles will not work. I have one male and three females. We need a single and a triple."
"We don't have any triples. We could put in a cot, but that costs more -- and we're all out of singles. So it would make sense to just get two doubles."
After some wrangling my mom got what she wanted, to pay a lot of money for me to have two beds and for everyone else to cram into one room. When she was satisfied I believe she slept. Finally.
We went to the wedding and the reception afterward before heading back, immediately to the midwest. It was about 11pm and I had gotten pretty drunk. My mom hadn't let us drive on the way down, I thought the same would apply to the way back.
"Brian, I want you to drive."
"Mom. I can't drive. I'm pretty drunk."
"Brian. I need you to drive."
"Mom. I'm drunk. I'm not going to drive a whole car of people drunk."
"Brian. I had a glass of wine. You have to drive."
After some wrangling she got what she wanted. I drove home, convinced she was crazy.
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 17, 2004 11:54 AM
Comments
it took that to convince you she was crazy. Was she crazy when we were growing up? I don't really remember her being that bad as a child. But now she opens her mouth and crazy falls out.
Posted by: nick at December 17, 2004 12:09 PM
When I lived with them she would have a fit if I drove anywhere after just one beer.
Posted by: nick at December 17, 2004 12:11 PM
I know. That is what really didn't make sense. But I suppose Sonja was deathly afraid of driving and all. Forcing me to drive was a much more logical decision.
I'm hoping to get a tape recorder or something for Christmas so I can accurately record the sound of crazy falling out of her mouth.
I don't know when the real crazy started happening. I don't remember it being there when we were growing up either. But I was a kid. I didn't know any better then.
Years ago I'd give it no thought, but now I know some thing's wrong when she sends me a birthday card 6 months away from my birthday.
Posted by: brian at December 17, 2004 12:27 PM
remember the fishing trip birthday party that you had? She was crazy when we were kids (well teenagers) she kept the paper route after we left for school. She wrote Nagymama and Nagypapa about dad when he was in Hungary. I think all are examples of craziness.
Posted by: nick at December 17, 2004 12:35 PM
I was just looking at pictures of that birthday party the other day. There was a real good one of a bunch of kids surrounding a cake placed on the ground.
Yeah. I think a sane parent would have cut the cake on a table.
Posted by: brian at December 17, 2004 12:48 PM