« Alright, Now I'm Pissed | Main | Money from the Streets »
December 07, 2004
Rats vs Monkeys
Every time I go into my back alley I see a pile of food thrown out behind the house three doors down. Each day it's something different, but often it's bread or rice. Last week was carefully quartered oranges; this morning pulled beef.
I suppose the neighbors think they are being kind to the neighborhood animals, but really what animals are there? Sure, there's the stray dog that attacks my dogs on occasion and once hopped my next-door neighbors' fence to impregnate their dog. But mostly all we've got are rats.
It seems to me that my neighbors set aside a small portion of their daily meals in order to feed rats.
I started to wonder about this. I mentally pictured my neighbors sitting at their kitchen table agonizing over whether to give the rats vegetables, fruit or meat. “Honey, we gave the rats a starch yesterday, right? So it would be best for their diet if we gave them a vegetable today, right? Or would it be better to give them the rest of the meatloaf?”
After a while I realized how wrong my mental picture was...The neighbors are from Honduras. They don't speak English, and they surely don't eat meatloaf. So the conversation would more likely go like this, “¿Debemos dar les nosotros camarón del plato tipico?”
Then, never having been to Honduras, I started to think that maybe rats seemed like wonderful, exotic creatures to them. Like parrots and monkeys are to me. “Wow! Look at the monkey's prehensile tail,” I'd say seeing one in the wild. “Monkeys are great. I'll feed this one a candy bar.” And perhaps the Hondurans would laugh at me with barely hidden contempt, but they'd certainly mutter something about the “gringo” and how everyone knows that monkeys are dirty little creatures that spread disease and should all be exterminated, not fed.
So I chalked the food piles up to cultural and geographical differences during our formative years. I decided I'll let them feed the rats as long as they tell their friends not to mess with me for feeding the monkeys should I ever go to Honduras.
And if I ever got to Honduras you can bet your ass I'd feed the monkeys. I'd bring a bunch of candy bars to feed them. I know for a fact that monkeys like candy bars.
I also know for a fact that human porno moves are totally lifted straight from male monkey masturbatory moves.
I found this out at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo a couple years back.
As a monkey fan I went straight for the monkey house on arrival. I got through a couple sections of very cool monkeys, but was distracted by a huge crowd in front of another monkey cage. I thought, “These monkeys look cool, but those monkeys must be cooler. I've got to see them.” So I left the dozen of really cool little monkeys and pushed my way to the front of the crowd that occassionally burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
When I got near the front I saw a mother cover her daughter's eyes and say, “You can't see that. Let's go.” I stepped immediately into the front row spot they had abandoned.
That's when I saw it. The little monkey. He had a whole routine down. He'd run from the right side (ie my right side) of the window across to the left, back to a fake tree. There he'd grab on with his little monkey hands, swing back and forth a couple times and then jump down. Upon landing he'd run over to the right side of the cage, up to the glass. That's where he'd stop, put his right monkey hand to his head and his left monkey hand to his monkey hip. Then he'd slowly press his monkey midsection to the glass and wildly thrust for a few seconds.
Without skipping a beat he'd switch hands. Right hand to his hip, left hand behind his head for a few more seconds of thrust before perhaps embarrassement drove him to abandon his mission.
At which point he'd run from the right side (ie my right side) of the window across to the left, back to a fake tree..
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 7, 2004 03:22 PM