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December 01, 2004
Just Because I Said I Currently Don't...
Monday night I started tutoring at the Hamden Family Center. I had never been there before and didn't know the clientele, but I sort of knew what to expect: a bunch of wild kids in need of some learnin'.
(I'm doing it for purely selfish reasons. I'm running for president in 2012 [I think I should be old enough by then] and I figure my tutorees will be old enough to vote by then. They'll recall their cool tutor and decide to vote for me.)
I sat my tutoree down and hammered out a deal with her. "I'll help you with your homework if you laugh at my jokes. If they're not funny I'll knock on the table 3 times. Then you laugh."
She said, "Ok. Here's my homework" and left.
I called after her, "It doesn't work this way. You do the homework, I help you."
She came back a couple minutes later with a couple of her friends, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"No, but you're too young for me."
"How old are you?"
27.
I have a single cousin that's 28. She's got two kids.
No. My sister. You should go out with my sister. She ain't go no kids and she's only 26.
Umm. I don't think so. How 'bout we just do the homework?
You like boys then?
What is the deal? Why is it if I don't have a girlfriend people think I'm gay (except the psychic barber who thinks I am a total stud [hear that redheads/strawberry blondes and their friends with dark hair?])
This past weekend I went down to the corner bar to get a can of Sparks, the alcoholic cousin of Redbull, and as I stepped up to the bar the bartender already had a Natty Boh cracked open for me, "Hi, Brian."
"Umm. I came for carry out. I wanted a Sparks."
It's on me then.
Ok, you don't have to twist my arm.
So, where's your girlfriend?
I don't have a girlfriend.
Isn't that your girlfriend you come in here with sometimes?
No. She's just a friend of mine. She found me in a dumpster.
What?
She's not my girlfriend.
Oh.
He walked away and came back a couple minutes later, "We thought she was your girlfriend. You had us all fooled."
Had you fooled?
Yeah, you were to topic of conversation here for like 3 days.
What?
Do you remember meeting a real old creepy guy that owns an electronics store on Eastern Avenue?
Electronics store, no. Creepy and old, yes.
Then it dawned on me. I just told the bartender at a gay bar that I didn't have a girlfriend. He said I had them fooled. Did I just throw raw meat into shark infested waters? (Actually its a lesbian bar, so it's not that dangerous.)
I was about to correct him "I am a straight man that on occassion buys beer at the closest bar," when his friend Will, the free cigarette guy, came down to the carry-out end of the bar and the bartender said, "Will, this is Brian. He's single."
"Umm. Hi Will. ... Hey, I just came in for one drink. I have to go."
"Are you drinking Natty Boh? ... Give him one on my tab."
I kept my mouth shut.
I drank my free beers then skedaddled.
I guess it's a little rude not to talk to the person that just forked over for your enjoyment $1.75 of their hard earned cash, but hey, it's not like a lady has never done it to me.
Posted by calculatoronfire at December 1, 2004 11:44 AM
Comments
does the creepy guy know where you live? maybe you should start locking your door.
Posted by: emma at December 1, 2004 01:01 PM
Funny you should ask that. I left the bar and noticed him leaving behind me. I made sure to wander around pretending to live somewhere else until he was out of sight. I hope it worked.
As for the door locking. No way. Out of the question. There are some good freaks that might wander in. Peanut, the junkie with the black eye that still wears hotpants in the 40 degree weather. And Chubby Hooker was giving me the eye the other day...
Oh. Normal people too. Normal people are invited to come through my unlocked doors.
Posted by: brian at December 1, 2004 01:08 PM