« My Boxer Friend | Main | Email From My Dad »
November 23, 2004
The Phantom
I used to store my piffy writings on another server that mysteriously broke late last week. At first I held out hope that all would be well on Monday. It wasn't.
I started to think that all my accounts of times I ended up beaten about the head or naked were gone. I waxed nostalgic. Ah, those more-naked-than-now times.
That's when it came to me. A naked and bruised time I've never written about. Ah, those high school days.
The summer after my senior year in high school 6 female friends rented a house that just happened to be between my house and my place of work. If I steered my bicycle half a mile out of the way. Which I did. On a daily basis. I was 17; they were female.
I had to ride my bike because I didn't have a driver's license. (I got one at the end of the summer just in time to not drive a car for the next four years or so.) It's a good thing too, because there was a lot of alcohol in the house. Which I drank in copious amounts.
During the course of the previous year I had developed a mischievous alter-ego, the Phantom Humper. The Phantom Humper appeared at all sorts of occassions, but especially at late night parties. And, for the most part, he was welcomed (I hadn't yet hit the dinner party circuit). He was a strange character that ran around with a blanket over his head (if a blanket could be found, but a towel would also suffice). He would mount his prey, often after a flying tackle, and thrust his hips wildly proclaiming, "I am the Phantom Humper!" (It wasn't me, OK? It was my mischeivous alter-ego.) Then he would run off to another room, another victim.
I came to a party at the house after having worked all day. I picked up someone else's 7am opening shift at Taco Bell, worked all day, and closed as usual. I got off work at about 1 am and hopped on my bike, riding it as fast as I could over to my friends'. The 18 hour work day had taken its toll and I was a bit tired, but nothing was going to keep me from a good time.
By the time I got the the party things were in full swing, and I was woefully behind. I caught up quickly with vodka of the cheap variety.
I passed everyone else with vodka of the cheap variety and decided it was high time the Phantom Humper made an appearance. I ran upstairs into someone or another's room to get into costume. Ahh! I thought of something new I could he could add to his routine.
The Phantom Humper came drunkenly sprinting down the back stairs that lead to the kitchen, a blanket over his head, and absolutely nothing underneath.
Unfortunately, the doorway at the bottom of the stairs was a little too low for the Phantom Humper, my mishcievous alter-ego, and he cracked his head, on account of the blanket totally obscuring his vision. It knocked him out.
Other party-goers heard the commotion in the kitchen. They rushed in, perhaps expecting the Phantom and his hijinx, only to find me. Lying atop someone's comforter. Slightly bleeding from the head. Naked.
Posted by calculatoronfire at November 23, 2004 10:35 AM